Carnival Of Comedy #61: House Of Comedy

Good monring kiddos! I'm Dr. House, and I have arrived to dispense your medicinal laughter for the week. Before we get started, I'd like to thank Dr. FIAR for doing most of the grunt work compiling and rating these entries. I've also noticed you bloggers have been slacking! That spacemonkey character is running low on hosts. No hosts, no funny. Get it? I bring the funny every week during the season, and I am sorely disappointed that the bloggers aren't bringging teh funny like they should. So host a carnival, by emailing Spacemonkey at imao dot us, or I will hit you with my cane.

In medicine, we are always looking for that "miracle cure." That one chemical compound that may cure cancer, or the common cold. This first group of posts doesn't do anything like that, but they'll make you laugh whether you have cancer, or the common cold.

Miracle Cures

jimmyb ponders the mystery of a missing sammich in Who You Gonna Call? at The Conservative UAW Guy

The Cranky Insomniac Recieves an Al Qaeda press release: Al-Qaeda Expresses Appreciation to NY Times (Death to America) and posted it at The Cranky Insomniac.

Notr discovers some disturbing grocery products in Overseas Shopping Vexation NSFW ROFASix

Steve the Pirate is not a morning person. He also has some issues with a demonic bit of technology in Steve SMASH! (Steve the Pirate)

Fiar at Conservative Political Humour and Satire ponders the true nature of the recent discovery of WMDs in Iraq in WMD, I Think Not | Satire

This next group of bloggers, while they may not cheer up a cancer ward, or give a dying burn victim one last chuckle, they'll make anyone else laugh.

Prescription Meds

Ah! Murtha. What would congress be like without his comedic interludes? Damian G. presents Murtha details Iraq strategy, tells kids to get the hell off his lawn. Posted at Conservathink. Damian keeps teh funny coming with Wealthiest 1% of homosexuals torn in midterm elections.

Buckley F. Williams presents NYT Reveals Timmy Durgin's Hiding Place. The New York Times may not survive this revelation, at The Nose On Your Face

Michael McCullough discovers Why some dogs attack their owners posted at Stingray: a blog for
salty Christians

Jacob the Syrian Hamster has learned New NSA Procedures for Handling Classified Documents (The Scratching Post)

Peace Moonbeam gives us a vision that will make you wish you were blind in The Liberal Art Of Nude Protest posted at The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles.

Next up, we have some more common variety analgesics and antihistamines. While these posts may not cure what ails ya, they'll bring some temporary relief to sore funny bones, and reduce the inflammation of your laugh muscles.

Over the Counter Medication

A little hot sauce goes a long way. Big Picture Guy presents Handle with Care. (Big Picture, Small Office)

miriam recounts a recent trip to New Jersey in Let New Jersey be New Jersey. New Jersey driving may be boring, but unlike in Pennsylvania, you can see the road at night. (miriam's ideas)

tommy at The Kag Report provides Katy Couric's interview with Dan Rather in Rather Couric


Bean presents Bean's Beats NSFW - Profanity posted at Bean. I have no idea who Tila Tequila is, but I do know now, she can not sing. Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls, My Space sucks.

In medicine, just like life, we must have yin to every yang, a heads to every tails, and an evil for every good. These meds don't cure or relieve anything in and of themselves, but they are certainly useful for the euthenasia crowd.

Dying with Dignity

Jerry Dante uses a bunch of profane similes in The Roast of The Howard Stern Show Roast, a podcast! NSFW (at Jerry Dante)


In an addendum to the lesson above, Mad Monk presents Official FIFA World Cup Spectator Guidelines. I'm all for making fun of soccer, but one of the keys is supposed to be that you don't actually like the sport. Posted at MadRussianMonk

Ali Eteraz presents Honey with Money posted at Unwilling Self-Negation

Lydia Lydia at Keep Your Eye on the Kids presents We Have A Bird Down

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow, and we have reached the end of your weekly treatment. Make sure you present your insurance card to the receptionist on your way out. This weekly flight through teh funny would not be possible without IMAO, or future hosts (hint hint).

Don't forget to get your entries in for next week here, and here! If we can get a host that is.

Please visit my partners in medicine, Dr. FIAR, Dr. Little Orange Fox, and Dr. Fmragtops.

I'd link the upcoming hosts, but I have no idea who they are. If you want to host an upcoming carnival of comedy, e-mail spacemonkey at spacemonkey at IMAO dot US

The House Of Comedy

The Carnival Of Comedy is coming Thursday evening. It might be kinda late since I have to work Thursday, but it will be here. Be here, or be overrun with dirty smelly hippies intent on free love and pacifism!

House on USA

You may or may not know already, but Season 1 episodes of House can be seen on USA Network. I didn't realize this until last night (Sunday) at 11:00 ET, when the episode, Damned if You Do aired.

Upcoming episodes include:
The Socratic Method - Thursday June 29, 2006 at 11PM ET
Fidelity - Friday June 30, 2006 at 11PM ET
It seems to disappear again until Poison - Thursday July 6, at 11PM ET

Tomorrow night on Fox, Hunting at 8ET and The Mistake at 9ET

Teh Funny Is At the Carnival of Comedy

The Zarqawi's Dead Edition of The Carnival of Comedy is up at conservative political humor. Go get teh funny, or Dr. House will browbeat you until you do!

Clinic Hours: Patient Impossible

Hello, I'm Dr. House how can I...Yikes!

Calm down! I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.

Okay. I'll tell you right up front that if it's psychiatric treatment you're looking for, you came to the wrong place.

Silence infidel! I have a fiend err friend with a problem. I hear you are the best diagnostician in the world. I need you to tell me what's wrong him.

Ummmm do I have a choice, or will I end up on an internet isalmofascist snuff film if I don't help you...No wait...I don't want to know. Where's the patient?

He's right here under this sheet...

...

...

Wha..?

He's freakin' DEAD!!! Look at him! What do you want me to with that?

...

Silence infidel! Do you know who you're talking to?

Yeah. I'm talking to a barbaric murderer who has brought a dead body into the clinic, and thinks he's in a cave in Afghanistan. Watch out there Habib, I might hit you with my cane. I'm still not sure I know what you want from me. I can't work with that!

...

I want you to say that the great satan's army tortured and killed him!

Uhhhhh...no.

If you do not do as I command, I will have swarms of mujahedin descend upon your city and bomb....

Oh shut up Corky! You're not in a mud hut in the middle of Afghanistan any more! I'm not going to lie for you!

If you do not obey I will have my holy warriors feast on the entrails of your indfidel children!

Obey is a funny sounding word. Sounds like pig latin doesn't it? I don't have any children, and oh yeah, I'm not lying for you.

I will cut your head off.

No

Oh please.

Take your corpse and get the hell out of my hospital.

Come on Zack, let's go. I've got the newest Goats Gone Wild Video from al-Net Flix

...

Take that Jack Bauer!

What Happened To House's Leg?

I've noticed we've been getting a lot of hits about what happened to Dr. House's leg. Also, "What happened to House's wife?" Even though technically Stacy wasn't his wife, they were just life partners or whatever.

The following is a recap of the episode where you will learn, what happened to House' leg, but if you're truly impatient, you can just scroll down to the second to last paragraph and get the quick summary version.

Season One: Episode 21 - Three Stories

Originally broadcast 5/17/2005
Watch and Download the Full Episode of House MD

Anyhoo, House was working Cuddy to get out of having to lecture a medical student class. He finally gave in with the agreement that he would get two hours off of clinic duty. While heading to the class he runs into Stacy, who needs him to help with a case. She gives him her husband's file. House is a bit taken aback, because he didn't know that she was married. In typical House form, he suggests it's probably just a case of indigestion, a kidney stone, or something.

His symptoms are abdominal pain and fainting. He's been to 3 different doctors, but they've turned up nothing. She's desperate for House to help, so she begs for House to take the case. House quips that he isn't sure that he wants her husband to live.

Cut scene to the class of 3rd year medical students. House is lecturing the students on a hypothetical case where 3 different patients are suffering from leg pain, one of the patients winds up in a coma. The students make suggestions as to what might be the problem, and the back and forth is much like that with House and his team. He chides them that everybody lies. Trust no one.Do your own detective work, and never have strong feelings for the patient. House also points out that sometimes a wrong diagnosis can kill a patient.

During a break, House talks to Wilson about Stacy's husband. Wilson thinks that there must be something seriously wrong with her husband if she is desperate enough to seek help from House. The students interrupt House and drag him back into the lecture hall. They continue to take guesses at what is wrong with the leg pain patients.

House suggests a scenario where a farmer is bitten by a snake. The procedure is to find what type of snake bit him, and administer the correct antivenin. If that doesn't work, then you try a different type of snake that it could have been, and administer another antivenin. Then he poses the question. Who simply tries on antivenin after another, and who would try to determine the exact type of snake it was first. The class is split. House lets them know that 1/2 the class saved the patient, and the other half killed him. The point of course being that mistakes kill.

House feeds the students more information about the 3 leg pain patients. One treatment works, the other doesn't. One patient doesn't respond to treatment, and one just might be a drug addict trying to weasel a killer score.

Back to the snakebite. He tells the farmer he's going to die from a snakebite. The farmer asks what will happen to the dog. It turns out the dog bit the man, not a snake. Patients lie. Everybody lies.

The possible druggie is having brown discharge in his urine, meaning blood. His kidneys are shutting down. This is caused by muscle death, which releases myoglobin and is toxic to kidneys. The students prescribed antibiotics and bed rest, so the patient will be dead in 3 days. They screwed up and killed someone, and they’ll need to learn to deal with that.

In the final case, it turns out that the patient is a high school voleyball player who has tendonitis. A closer exam showed a nodule in the girl’s neck. An MRI then revealed an osteosarcoma, which is a cancerous tumor in the femur. It has to be removed surgically, but if it’s too large or too ingrained the leg might need to be amputated.


Quite coincidentally, the farmer has flesh-eating bacteria contracted from the dog’s mouth. The damaged tissue has to be removed, and the farmer’s leg might also require amputation.

In one of the hospital rooms, Cuddy tells a 30something man that an MRI showed a problem... and they may need to amputate his leg.

Back in the lecture hall, Cameron, Chase, and Foreman are observing House from the back row. When House explains that an MRI showed that the a clotted aneurysm caused the leg pain, and that led to a subsequent infarction, the doctors finally realize that the three fictional patients are in fact only one real patient -- House himself.

Flashback to the hospital room, where Cuddy tries to convince the man that he needs surgery. The man is House. He refuses to allow them to amputate his leg. Stacy begs him to get the amputation, but House will have none of it.

In the classroom, the empty seats begin to fill up. House explains why doctors amputate. The more you make sure that all the bad tissue is gone for good, the less chance there is that anything can go wrong, post surgery.

In the flashback, House utterly refuses surgery. He insists on having a bypass to try and restore the circulation to his leg, thus revitalizing the tissue. Stacy is in disbelief at his stubbornness. The surgery appears to be successful, but with the agonizing pain that he was told he would go through. House studies his own chart, and is disturbed by the rise in his potassium levels. He calls a nurse, and demands to be given a dose of calcium glutinate, but before she can do anything, House goes into cardiac arrest. Cuddy runs in and fires up the paddles.

Were back to the classroom again, and House explains that the patient was clinically dead for more than one minute. House flashes to the time when he was "dead." He sees the farmer, and the volleyball player. They are wearing prosthetic legs, and living almost as if nothing had ever happened. They have adapted, and the technology of prosthetics is very good.

Wilson interrupts and asks if house thinks the visions were real. He says it's just a chemical reaction in the brain, as it begins to shut down. Cameron and Foreman ask why he would explain it that way, and not in a more religious fashion. House replies that it is more comforting for him to believe that life isn't simply a test. (To see if you're worthy of an afterlife)

Flashback. Stacy is by House in his hospital bed. He is struggling with the pain, and she pleads with him to just go through with the amputation. He tried it his way, now it's time to do it the right way. He would never let one of his patients refuse the correct treatment the way he is doing himself. He wants to be put into a chemically induced coma to sleep through the agony of recovery. Stacy has a plan, that as his medical proxy, she can make decisions for House while he is under. Cuddy agrees to it even though she is torn on the ethics of it.

Once House is under, Stacy asks about that middle ground where it's more drastic tissue removal than a bypass, but less drastic than an amputation. Cuddy explains how they would cut out the dead muscle tissue, and Stacy agrees to have them go forth with that procedure.

House explains to the students that so much muscle was removed that the leg was nearly unusable. Since they took so long to finally remove the tissue, the patient is still in chronic pain, to this very day. As the students begin to debate whether stacy made the right decision, House asks when the class is over. Cuddy, who was another observer of the class by this point, replies that the class was actually over 20 minutes ago.

House limps out of the class and we see him back in his office. He calls Stacy and tells her he will see her husband the next morning.

Whew! To summarize, what happened to House's leg was that there was muscle death of the leg. He should have had it amputated, but he didn't. Instead, he wound up with a nearly useless, and chronically painful leg. Stacy, as a participant in this demise, well, I guess the relationship was all downhill from there. House realizes it was all his fault. If he would have just got the amputation, he wouldn't have screwed it all up.

So that's what happened to House's leg. I hope that clears things up.

Re-Runs Tonight!!!

House re-runs will be on Fox tonight. Two whole hours of House. Get you a bottle of scotch, a bottle of Vicoden, and have Wilson cook you some food, so you can veg out and drink in the sacrcastic goodness! I think some recaps will follow, along with the next edition of Clinic Hours! Any ideas about who will be coming into the clinic for Dr. House to treat?

Sitting here as the first episode of the night ends, all I can think of is how much I hate laid back and groovey music.

Dr. House's Summer Vacation

Apparently Dr. House is on a space mission during his summer vacation. It looks like he and Captain Wild Bill are out rescuing survivors from Planet Moonbat. I have a feeling he'll have to come back for his next clinic rotation. Dr. Cuddy is pushy with those things....Am I the only one turned on by that?

Teh Funny Has Arrived

The Carnival of Comedy is up at MoxArgon's place. I knew all my sycophancy would pay off one day. Let this be lesson to you all, if you suck up to intergalactic conquerers it may just save your life. Thanks for a great Carnival, O Great and Powerful MoxArgon. I can't wait to be a jester in your court sir.