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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Merry Little Christmas

So it looks like Wilson is turning rat bastard on House to Officer Brownshirt.

House has to go to rehab, and get off the Vicodin. House is demanding the chart and some pills for the elf.

"Let's go see a dwarf about a gallium scan."

"You don't look a day over 4 feet."

Looks like the mom elf has a bit of a complex about being an elf. Cuddy is chewing out Wilson for being a rat. Dirty rat. She says he won't be able to function without the Vicodin.

Cuddy is suspending Dr. House and cutting off his Vicodin. He's off the case. He said she'll be begging him to get back on the case.

Now Cameron is getting all self righteous because Cuddy is bending the rules. Haha House was right. She's having liver failure. Wilson wants to talk to Cameron. He thinks she's bitter about him ratting out House. Rat bastard.

"How do you pretend your windfall isn't relevant to this decision?" Pwned!

"Hmm. Medical mystery. Sounds like the kind of thing I would be good at."

He trades Foreman info for pills. He gives the info, but no pills.

"House. You've tanned." Wilson realized that Foreman gave House's diagnosis. He sucks.

House is arguing with the doctor. He leaves before the guy calls security.

Elfkin goes unconscious. Her breath smells fruity. Her pancreas is failing. House was right again. He refuses to help without the Vicodin. I mean flat refuses.
"You have no idea what's wrong with my daughter." Where's house? "He better be really damn sick." Wilson says he is.

House is detoxing. He looks awful. He suggests the elf has an autoimmune problem. He can't even think straight.

"How bad is he?"
"Are you asking because you care or because you don't know whether to trust his judgment?"

I hope Wilson chokes on a sandwich.

"I'm strung out, haven't slept , puking every hour, and I still out diagnosed you."

Wilson is talking with Officer Brownshirt. He says he won't testify. He'll be charged with interfering with an investigation.

The elf is bleeding. House just stole some Vicodin.

They can't decide what's wrong with the elf. Cuddy says gimme a half an hour. She goes to see House. Haha he's arguing with the little girl about whether she has a bear or a dog. Then he says they need to x-ray her leg.

"Normal's not normal if you're not normal."

He says they just assumed she's a dwarf but maybe it's her pituiary. "You got your cancer in my autoimmune."

No growth hormone. She's not a dwarf. She has a granuloma. She wants to stay a dwarf. Mom's all proud. "Just tall enough to wipe her own butt." Mom says to take the pills.

The deal expires tomorrow. It's Christmas eve. House calls his mom. "Just wanted to say Merry Christmas." He takes another pill. Wilson is at the door. House is passed out. The freakin bottle is empty. I think he's trying to kill himself.

He goes to Brownshirt to take the deal. It's off the table. Because House took the dead patient's pills.

Then the jackass says 'Merry Christmas." Merry Fk you pal.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Liveblog S3 E10: Finding Judas

Sorry I'm late. Cuddy is pissed that officer Brownshirt froze Wilson's assets.

House just stole half Wilson's sammich.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Season 3 Episode 9: Whac-a-mole

Whoa, that's one helluva Chucky Cheese nightmare. I'm having flashbacks.

House says he knows what's wrong but wants to make a game out of it if the team can figure it out.

Wilson is whining.

Whoa! He's a gusher!

I missed a whole bunch of segments there due to household duties. Foreman's taking a spinal tap, and talking to the little girl. She's telling him that her dad used to drink and drive.

Foreman rolls the kid over and broke his rib. House is having problems with his shoulder. He's in serious pain. She takes his cane away.

House says the kid is sicker than they thought. Syphilis, botulism and something else. I missed it.

[commercial break]

House thinks he's a drug user because he's having seizures. He's in a steam room with Cameron, Foreman, and Chase. He's having another seizure. He was drug free. House stole the guy's cane. Classic!

House is demanding Cameron write him a scrip. Foreman sees something on a brain scan. They're everywhere. What are they?

[Commercial Break]

House wants to do a biopsy on the brain fluid or something. Now he wants Cuddy to get vicodin. Cuddy is hooking him up. "You cant lift your arm." "You can't pee standing up."

Aspergilus. Emotional trauma triggers genetic illness. House wants to five him more infections. Meningitis, the cold, serratia.

He can't breathe from the serratia. Whatever he has is serious. His lifespan will be short, and he'll be sick all the time. He agrees to Foreman.

Foreman and House are arguing because he thinks House is being insensitive. House asks him to sign the transplant consent form. He's not doing it yet. He's afraid to die during the procedure. House was right.

Wilson says the shoulder pain is from House's conscience. He's pissed. The kids are sad. Foreman gives him a you'll be proud of yourself speech.

House rides by Wilson.

[End of episode]

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Who Is Ready For Some House? Liveblogging 11/13/06

Season 3: Son of Coma Guy

Alright! Are we ready for the House Liveblogging?

Wilson: "boo hoo. I lied"

House gives the kid a seizure. I don't know about you, but that is one cool disorder. He can't see things when they move.

[Commercial Break]

Wait, I didn't write that! Where the hell did that come from?

Anyhoo, the kid has awakened from his seizure.

Awesome, The kid starts coughing up blood. House says to stop all treatment. The anti-seizure drugs are bad on the liver. House plans to wake the father from a coma.

Uh oh, Cuddy ain't havin' it. She says he's torturing the patient. She starts yelling at House, then wazzizface from Night Court wakes up. Dan, that's it. Dan wakes up.

[Commercial Break]

Hey, I'm not Dr. Fmragtops. I'm Dr. FIAR.

Wait a friggin' minute! How the hell did you get in this post?

You can't see things when they move. Back to the show. Dan is plenty coherent. House wants to know how aware he was while he was out. He knows his wife is dead, but not how long it's been. 10 years.

She died in a house fire. They tell him his son may be dying. He wants steak.

Wilson: "Caustic guy was waking up coma guy."

Technically vegitative state guy, Dr. *snicker* FIAR!

House: "Everything is conditional. We just can't always anticipate the conditions."

Officer Brownshirt is interrogating Cameron. They paged her to get her out of the interrogation. I wonder if his jackboots are polished.

He just thinks Dr. Cameron is hot. [I agree with whoever posted that]

House seems irritated every time someone calls it a coma instead of a vegetative state. He's going for a drive with Dan.

[Commercial break]

Will you stop that!

Will who stop what?

Okay, this is all in my head, I'll close my eyes and count to ten and it'll go away.

Well it appears Dan is allergic to berries, and House is interrogating Dan. Dan is not happy about this.

Wilson and House are engaged in a lover's quarrel. Now Dan and House are playing quid pro quo, all Hannibal Lecter style.

Officer IHateHouse is putting the screws to Chase!

Ha, and House makes the same Silence Of The Lambs allusion. Hmmm, apparently whatever was happening with the specter poster has disappeared.

Uh-Oh, the kid doesn't have mercury poisoning. Now House is really gonna start the interrogation.

[commercial break]

That was odd. As suddenly as the mysterious postings started, they have now stopped. It couldn't have been Dr. FIAR. After all, we're two separate people, right?

I missed a whole segment... or wait, no I didn't.

Dan is slipping. Foreman is being questioned by officer Brownshirt. Will someone just choke him already. House saves lives every week. Lay off him.

Dan wants to know why House became a doctor if he hates people. He tells a story about a janitor who was a doctor in Japan. No one liked the guy, until they needed him, because he was right.

The boy is seizing again. House asks what happened on the night of the fire.

Holy crap! House convinced Dan to kill himself, so he could give his son his heart! Creepy.

What'd I miss?

Officer Brownshirt froze Wilson's account.

[End of episode]

What the hell just happened?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Clinic Hours: Foot-In-Mouth Disease

So, What can I do for you?

Well, Doctor, I have a problem I could use your help with...

Sorry, I can't help you look less like a horse.

That's not what I'm talking about. You know how people have something that keeps them from saying every random thought that pops in their heads?.

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Yeah, and?

That thing is broken.

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Well, you know what they say. You can't fix stupid.

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Liveblogging 11/07/06

Season 3: Que Sera Sera

Good evening, folks. Welcome to the latest liveblogging of everyone's favorite super-sarcastic saw-bones! Get ready....

Get set...

BTW, while you're waiting for House, you can go catch up on last night's episode of Prison Break at Prison Break Central!

And if you haven't gone to vote yet, you could always go write in Jack Bauer or Dr. House.


2000hrs: Apparently the firemen have to rescue a hippo! Man! They need a freakin' crane for that dude!

2007hrs: House is late because he is incarcerated! Fat man is in trouble if House can't make bail.

2010hrs: Wilson to the rescue!

2011hrs: The team is lost without House!

2012hrs: Apparently Chase hates fat people. He must be a Republican!

2015hrs: Now we're discussing the structural integrity of MRIs. I guess that's a healthy discussion when MRIing Hippos.

2018hrs: Let's see if this MRI collapses...

2020hrs: Whoa! Raging Hippo got stuck in the MRI. I doubt that thing will work properly again.

2025hrs: STDs? Oh my God! The shear logistics of Raging Hippo having sex with anything other than a cow are simply mindboggling... Raging Hippo wants to go home...Awww poor widdle baby *snicker*

2030hrs: I bet he's craving a baby. Baby, the other other white meat.

2031hrs: This cop really has it out for House. Cops generally don't give doctors a hard time for obvious reasons. ANyhoo, it appears Officer IHateHouse served a search warrant on House's...well house.

2035hrs: So is House going to federal pound you in the ass prison?

2036hrs: House wants to send Raging Hippo home, and the mutiny is on.

2040hrs: Oh snap! Raging Hippo done fell out, and went through a plate glass window. I wonder is seismologists are wondering what the hell just happened.

2042hrs: Okay, we got Haliburton drilling into Raging Hippo's head. He's freaking out again.

2045hrs: Heh, Raging Hippo is a conspiracy theorist. And Cameron calls Raging Hippo an idiot.

2050hrs: House is going to hire Dewayne-Wayne as his lawyer. Now that's a different world.

2052hrs: Ewww, Raging Hippo has yellow crusty fingernails.

2055hrs: Raging Hippo has cancer. Cameron used a bunch of words too large for me to comprehend.

2056hrs: Officer IHateHouse is turning up the heat on Dr. Wilson. House is going to Federal Pound You In The Ass Prison...probably.

2100hrs: What are the odds on House going to prison?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Liveblogging 10/31/06

Season 3: Fools for Love

The show opens with tho guys in a diner, one is coughing, then they pull out guns. It looks like they're planning a robbery. People in the diner start to panic. It looks like the gunmen are taking hostages. The cougher has another coughing fit, then a few seconds later the hostage girl he was holding begins a coughing fit herself. The camera zooms in on her mouth and down her throat.

[Fade to credits]

Now we're at the hospital, and they're talking about a case. House walks out on Cameron. Some stuff happens with Wilson, but I missed it. Now they're back to trying to figure what happened to the choking girl. They're thinking salmonella.

House has some male patient, and he has some problem with his manly parts. House says, "Use lubricant." Now Clapman is insulting House. He says, "treat people like jerks, you'll get treated like a jerk." House finally decides to treat him like he requested, which includes giving him a rectal thermometer.

Salmon-Ella seems to be breaking out in a rash. House says give her the same food she had at the diner and put her on the treadmill, to see if it's an allergic reaction. Her boyfriend suffers some sudden attack himself.

[Commercial Break]

He's as sick as she is now. House says it worked. Foreman says, "yeah, on the wrong patient."

He's Salmon-Ella's husband. House starts psychoanalyzing them. He quips something about "Internet pr0n related," and says, "I'll check the internet."

They think Salmon-Ella's husband is cheating on her. Gonnarhea would explain the symptoms. And explain the condom use, I guess.

Hubby has a racial chip on his shoulder. Interracial couples. Tests show negative for STDs. Foreman tells House, "I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots." House orders the wife off steroids.

More insinuations that Cuddy is pregnant. "I can't ignore that rapidly expanding first trimester ass."

Salmon-Ella freaks out from a dream she had of Father in Law telling her to stay away from his son. Now she's in a coma.

[Commercial Break]

Daddy was a drunk pill popping racist.

Team looking at Salmon-Ella's brain scan. House says maybe it's Sarcoidosis. They say it's not communicable though, but it explains the symptoms.

Now he's asking Wilson id it's sarcoidosis. It turns into one of House and Wilson's lover's quarrels. Wilson says it's not sarcoidosis, but House says Wilson said it was to the other team members.

Cameron says there's a conflict from Hubby allowing a procedure, because he bears no risk, but he's sick from the same thing, so he gets all the benefits. Cuddy finally goes along, but only if House apologizes to Clapman.

Hubby says "do it on me instead."

Wilson, "you know what could save this couple? Lot's of misdirected sarcasm."

STOP giving Wilson the good lines!

House pulls a fast one to give the patient something that would be extremely painful to Hubby.

House, "Dude. She's in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?"

Clapman, tells House, he's a bully. He says he's not looking for sinceret, he's looking for humiliation. House tells him he's not apologizing.

House, "he's dying, just not in a way that's going to help his wife."

[Commercial Break]

Now they got another theory about what's wrong. House says maybe Daddy just didn't like this black girl. House comes up with a rare genetic disease, and says the two are half brother and half sister, and that's why Daddy flipped out when they started dating.

House wants Foreman to tell them that they are half siblings. Finally Foreman starts to explain that it is a genetic disease, and that they are related. He wants to do a DNA test. Salmon-Ella starts freaking out about how she's lighter skinned, and it seems to make sense. Then Foreman just about rationalized their incestuous relationship.

Foreman feels sad about the breakup of Salmon-Ella and her husband. Whatever. They were freakin' related! Why should he feel guilty?

House is racing on his motorcycle and gets pulled over... By Clapman. Now he's arresting House for possession of narcotics. That's exactly the kind of behavior I expect from cops. "I'm the law. All the others will back me up no matter what I do." And they will.

Sorry, FM... Personal experience showing through.

Anyhoo, Fade to commercial. Looks like House is going to jail. Plus, the world's fattest most swollenest man.

Saturday, October 28, 2006


House marathon at 12 central on USA Sunday!

Watch it damn you!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Laurie in the SNL House

I have heard from most reliable sources that Hugh Laurie will be hosting this weeks Saturday Night Live...

Granted SNL has sucked since the late 90s, You should still stop by and see it for House.

I know I will!!!


...Be freggin having to record it

...Because I'm at stupid work...


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Liveblogging 9/26/06

Season 3: Lines in the Sand

Okay, I missed the opening segment, so sue me! Oh, and we have a new House fan group! Go check them out!

1909 hrs: Great joke! The veterinary hospital one!

1911 hrs: Is that Vic Mackey's son? Is Vic Mackey gonna kick my ass for saying that?

1913 hrs: Damn! House gets all the chicks!

1914 hrs: Apparently nothing is wrong with the autistic kid. Damn! I guess they have no episode tonight! Well, other than going up his rear and getting a smear!

1916 hrs: Well, there goes that theory!

1920 hrs: Anyone want to venture a guess as to what is wrong with the autistic kid? That's assuming that anyone is reading this right now.

1927 hrs: Wow, House philosophy! Preach, Dr. Preach!

1928 hrs: Whoa, the kid has liver cells under his arm. I imagine that could be a problem...

1933 hrs: Hmmm, imagine that, House thinks the parents have done something.

1935 hrs: Wilson wants Cuddy (mmmmm Cuddy) to defeat House by surrendering to him. Sound like anyone you know? House wants his old bloodstained carpet back.

1937 hrs: Uh-oh, the hot psycho-stalker chick is back!

1940 hrs: Damn! Mmmmm...Cuddy. How is House not hitting that?

1944 hrs: Whoa! That was weird. The kid's right eye rolled up in his head, and the left stayed normal!

1948 hrs: Psycho-stalker chick is backed and locked up in Cuddy's (Mmmm Cuddy) office. Now House has to go talk to her. I imagine she'll say something that will give House the lightening bolt of inspiration that will help him figure out what's wrong with the kid. Now he's quoting Casablanca! Ick!

1953 hrs: Wow, House just convinced her she has a spore in her brain. He rocks.

1954 hrs: The kid has raccoon roundworms in his eyes! Double F&&&ing Ick!

1600 hrs: House saves the kid, the kid gives House his PSP as a way of saying thanks. Apparently House made a connection with the boy. How cheery, and sappy. Even House is shocked. House gets his carpet back while the crappy hippy music plays. Cameron tells House that not all change is bad. Wow! What a freakin' Plato!

Houseism of the night:

FOREMAN: I had a date last night and she screamed. Does that mean we should examine her?

HOUSE: Of course not, this isn't a veterinary hospital.

Juvenile I know, but still, very good!

Great, we have to wait until the Yankees win the World Series before House comes back on.

Well, that's it for this episode of House. I hope all you that weren't reading this had a good time. Courage.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Season 3 Episode 3

Episode title: Informed Consent

Unfortunately I missed most of the episode by now. I'll try to get some sort of recap or delayed liveblog up soon.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Liveblogging Season 3 Episode 2

Cain and Able

Crap! I missed the first few minutes. It's the return from commercials. Cuddy and Wilson are making cracks about "where's the Body odor?"

Then Cuddy and Wilson argue over why House isn't exercising. Wilson acknowledges the hole in Houses leg. I don't think this can be real because pain or no pain... Hole in the leg. No muscle.

House is arguing with pretty boy. He says it's a bleeding disorder, you screwed up the test.

Foreman says "it's a bleeding disorder."

The kid's missing, house says, "let's hope he hasn't gone into hyperdrive. We'll never catch him then."

Chase finds him in a room, he's digging in his neck t get the chip out. His neck's all bloody. Chase pulls his arm away, but then notices a metal sliver.

[Commercial break]

They're arguing over what's wrong with the kid. Now they're talking with the parents. The parents want to knew why they need to keep running tests.

Cameron discovers Veggie fuy from last week is ok. She's gonna tell house. He wants a bucket full of viagra. Hehe

Cameron is arguing with Cuddy that theyu need to tell House the truth.

Kid tells chase that his parents think he's crazy. He gets an injection and starts to hallucinate. Alarms start going on everywhere.

"I could smell what the Rock was cooking" Killer line. Now they want to do some test on the kid's heart.

His heart isn't the problem. House keeps insisting on looking at bigger and bigger screen resolutions. House jusmps up to point something out, and cleatly hurt his leg.

Cuddy wants to take a pet scan of his brain. House is insisting on insinuating that Cuddy is pregnant.

They're looking at the kid's bllood or whatever and Chase says, "alien DNA"

[Commercial break]

House wants a plausible "terrestrial explanation" for the kid's alien DNA. Cameron wants to flush out the bad DNA

Wilson still refuses to let House know about veggie guy. Foreman says all House's brilliant ideas have been Cameron's. Cameron tells Foreman that House didn't blow the last case, but the beleif that he did is messing up his mind.

Chase explains the surgery they plan to do on the kid. He tells the kid, everyhtinf is fixed and he can go home tomorrow.

Wilson tries to get House back on the vicodin, but House says he doesn't want to be dependent on a drug to get through the day. Bastard. Wilson says, "youre not always right... you've proven that lately." Liar!

House is running like a madman on the treadmill. THe kid sees strange lights and starts to levitate, but it turns out he's still in surgery.

[Commercial break]

They tell House that it's neurological, but the scan is clean. House goes to do his wall ball thinking routine.

He's got nothing. He says to send the kid home. He says the remaining symptons might just be psychological. Wilson had really put the mind eff on him. He tells Cuddy that "you gotta know when to stop."

He tells Cuddy that she's been overly dupportive. She's either guilt ridden or hormonal. She admits that he was right about veggie guy. Suddenly he has a breakthrough.

House says what if he's not a person. What if he's two persons. He's a twin that merged together in one.

The twin inside is competing with him. House tells the parents. They say you're talking about brain surgery. House says, "we're talking about really cool brain surgery."

They're in the OR. THe kid is protesting as they perform the operation. He tells them to turn it up higher. Chase says the next step is brain damage.

The kid's hallucinating hard. He sees aliens. Little skinny big headed grey aliens. Then he sanps out of it and says, "you got them."

House tells Wilson that Cuddy lied to him. Wilson says that doesn't sound like her, and House replies that it sounds like him though. Wilson says he thought that if he knew he was right based on no evidence he would think he's God. House says, "God doesn't limp."

House gets back home and grabs the cane and starts using it.

Next week on House... House may have to play Dr. Kevorkian

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Liveblogging the Season 3 Premiere

I'm just reserving the spot for the post tonight. I may wind up missing the first few minutes, which isn't going to make me happy. Feel free to get started in the comments.

I missed the first few minutes. Tuned in and House is Running to work. 8 Miles. Wha?

House gets his first case back. A quadriplegic with no broken neck.

Cameron is shocked that the patients wife thanked him. He says, "I loaned her money." Heh.

He thinks the female patient is faking.

Wilson is trying to figure out why House took one of the cases.

House plans to take a spinal tap then slams the needle into her heart instead.

[Commercial break]

House tells Cameron that she doesn't want to date him because she can't nurse him back to health like a sick puppy now that he can walk.

House wants to perform the surgery. Wilson tries to psychoanalyze him some more. House pushes his way into the ER and decides that she's suffering scurvy and doesn't need surgery. Somehow I don't beleive that she's all better.

House is talking with the male patient's wife. He figures out that she doesn't want to take care of her husband but not taking care of him would make her miserable. Then he notices vegetable guy is attempting to talk.

[Halfway point]

House thinks veggie guy has a pancreatic cyst or something. The team argues with him, but then we see Chase and Foreman doing an ultrasound. Veggie guy's throst collapsed. Now House thinks that he might have cancer. He says the throat didn't collapse, it contracted.

He tells Veggie guys wife that they want to check out his brain, but Cameron is there trying to talk her out of it. "He could die." Wife says, "he's already dead."

Veggie guy on operating table. Blood oozes from his ear.

[Commercial Break]

House says redo all blood tests and scans. The team says "No." Cuddy says no. "For the fist time in years I have no opiates in my body. Now you question my judgement."

Wilson tells him no. Cuddy called him and said House would try an end around. House wants Wilson to give him Vicodin. Wilson says it will just take time for it to feel good.

House has been doing more jogging and then cools himself in a public fountain. Then he runs to Cuddy's house to tell her what is wrong with veggie guy. His brain overheated.

"He'll have sex with his wife again. He'll hug his kid again. I hope I got that order right. It'd be a shame to cure a pedophile."

Cuddy denies him his plan. House says she was right to say no. As the patient is checking out Cuddy says wait. She injects him with cortizol like House suggested. Nothing.

Veggie comes to. Unbuckles the belt on the wheelchair and tries to stand up. Wife hugs him breaking down with emotion. Family hug.

Cuddy tells Wilson she needs to tell House he was right. "Just because he was right doesn't mean he wasn't wrong."

Cuddy doesn't want to withhold from House but Wilson says, "Everybody lies."

Rolling stones "You can't always get what you want." House is in his apt. Fade to credits.

Next week on House...

Season 3 Premieres Tonight

Episode Title: Meaning

Don't forget that it airs one Hour early, 8pm ET on FOX.

When we last saw House, he was being whisked into the OR and regained consciousness just in time to reveal that the entire episode was a dream sequence. He had suffered a gunshot wound and requested a procedure that may or may not releive him of his pain, and also may or may not cause other changes in his brain or personality.

In the ad for the premiere, it seems that he is no longer in pain, but also may have lost all common sense. Is it another dream sequence? Is it real? We will find out tonight. Tune in here at Blogs For House for a liveblog of the Season 3 Premiere.

Remember, one hour early!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Hugh Buttons!

Like new buttons... But Hugh Buttons!

Anyway...I found these while sniffin' around this awesome Hugh Fansite. Awesome, no? Go browse around.

Also edited one up to be used for the Blogs of House blogroll. I know I'm using it!

Take that Bauer... I stiiiiiiiiiiill got it

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Kag Report Of Comedy

Tommy at the Kag Report has posted this week's and last week's Carnival Of Comedy. Go get your dose of teh funny! Dr. House commands you!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fake But True

My crack research staff, consisting of my trained surveillance dung-beetle, Algore, has obtained a script for one of Next season's episodes of House.

Before I get into the script, I would like to pre-condemn any sexist overtones and/or any other form of hate-speech that may arise from this post including but not limited to potty humor, poor satire, and poor taste. I imagine if Hugh Laurie saw this, he'd condemn it too. Enjoy the preview.

House - I got your page, what's...Jesus H. Christ! What in the world is that smell?

Cuddy - I'm not sure, but I have been smelling it all morning and it's only getting worse.

House - Man, that smells like shrimp that's been in the sun for half a day, but stronger.

Cuddy - I know. We don't seem to be able to figure out where it's coming from.

House - It's odd, I kept getting little sniffs of it on the way up here, but I didn't get a real strong whiff of it until I walked in here with you.

Cuddy - House! Damn it, now's not the time to make jokes!

House - You know me, my jokes are better than that. I'm being serious.

Cuddy - What do you propose we do?

House - Let me get my team in here. We need to run some tests.


House - Cameron, did you get all the body-fluid specimens?

Cameron - Yes, blood, urine, stool, even vaginal secretions.

House - Alright. Chase, I want you and Foreman to do a full battery of tests that nobody can pronounce but have official initials.

Foreman - Okay, I'll take the ones beginning with A-M.

Chase - You got it, and I'll take N-Z.

House - Cool. Get to work Super-Friends.


Chase - We've learned that there is apparently a strain of Chlamydia trachofrischus going around.

Cuddy - I haven't had sex in months, how can I have contracted this illness?

House - Not Chlamydia trachomatis, Chlamydia trachofrischus. A much less common relative of the common VD. This unique strain isn't sexually transmitted though. See, it's contracted when you spend large quantities of time surfing the internet, trolling conservative blogs, and getting smacked down by said conservative.

Cuddy - That doesn't make any sense.

House - It makes perfect sense. You see, when one liberal blogger gets smacked down for, ahem, speaking truthiness to power, as it were, the rest of the trolls begin frothing at the mouth. They claim false victories, and start patting each other on the ass. The liberal froth then ferments and the Chlamydia trachofrischus grows, and can spread to the genitalia.

Cuddy - I understand that, House. I mean, I don't spend much time on the internet, and since you've been off running tests, about 6,000 more cases, including Cameron, have come into the ER. Oh my G-d! It must have mutated and become airborne!

House - It's possible, what with the "Great Blogosphere Brawl" and all. All that liberal truthiness could have caused the bacteria to mutate. However, that's not important. We have to cure these people. This must be the worst case of acute not-so-freshness to ever hit the US!

Cuddy - Alright, tell me what you need.

House - Get Glenn Greenwald on the phone.

This has been a coproduction of Radioactive Liberty who has brought you such insane bloggy goodness as Rope, Tree, People, The War For Oil and What About The Children, along with Fmragtops Spews who has made several attempts at humor, but failed miserably.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Upcoming Episodes

One of these days, I will stop being lazy and I will start to provide comprehensive recaps for the episodes in seasons 1 and 2, probably in no apparent order. Right now, I will continue to be lazy, but update you on upcoming episodes. (And yes, Season 1 is available on DVD)

USA Network:

- Friday July 14 at 11pm ET
Detox - Sunday July 16 at 11pm ET
Three Stories - Friday July 21 at 11pm ET
Honeymoon - Sunday July 23 at 11pm ET

Need to Know and Distractions- Tuesday July 18 at 8pm/9pm ET

Season 3 Premiers on Tuesday September 5.

We'll try to gear up the site for the launch of the new season. If you have any suggestions, or things you would like to see featured on the site, please send an email to
blogsforhouse AT gmail (dot) com. We'd be happy to consider your suggestions.

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Clinic Hours: Treating Il's Ills

What seems to be the pro...Who the hell do you people think I am? Condoleeza Rice?

I am vewy sowwy Dr. House, but TV say you best doctor in world. I have no place else to turn. Wait, why you stick fingers in ears?

Hippocratic Oath, Hippocratic Oath, Hippocratic Oath, Hippocratic Oath...Okay, there! Sorry, that's how I center myself when poofy-haired dictators come into the clinic. Now what seems to be the problem?

This vewy personal. I trust you will treat this with utmost secrecy. Swear it!

Look, I may be overly sarcastic and judgemental, but I am a doctor. It is illegal for me to divulge any of your medical information.

I no concern with your childish western laws. As ancient Korean traditions dictate, you must swear by my poofy hair!

Alright already. If it will make your little dog-filled pot-belly happy, I swear by your poofy hair not reveal your secrets. Now tell me why you are here!

How didn't I see that coming? Oh, and I just had to throw in that last double-entendre.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Carnival Of Comedy #61: House Of Comedy

Good monring kiddos! I'm Dr. House, and I have arrived to dispense your medicinal laughter for the week. Before we get started, I'd like to thank Dr. FIAR for doing most of the grunt work compiling and rating these entries. I've also noticed you bloggers have been slacking! That spacemonkey character is running low on hosts. No hosts, no funny. Get it? I bring the funny every week during the season, and I am sorely disappointed that the bloggers aren't bringging teh funny like they should. So host a carnival, by emailing Spacemonkey at imao dot us, or I will hit you with my cane.

In medicine, we are always looking for that "miracle cure." That one chemical compound that may cure cancer, or the common cold. This first group of posts doesn't do anything like that, but they'll make you laugh whether you have cancer, or the common cold.

Miracle Cures

jimmyb ponders the mystery of a missing sammich in Who You Gonna Call? at The Conservative UAW Guy

The Cranky Insomniac Recieves an Al Qaeda press release: Al-Qaeda Expresses Appreciation to NY Times (Death to America) and posted it at The Cranky Insomniac.

Notr discovers some disturbing grocery products in Overseas Shopping Vexation NSFW ROFASix

Steve the Pirate is not a morning person. He also has some issues with a demonic bit of technology in Steve SMASH! (Steve the Pirate)

Fiar at Conservative Political Humour and Satire ponders the true nature of the recent discovery of WMDs in Iraq in WMD, I Think Not | Satire

This next group of bloggers, while they may not cheer up a cancer ward, or give a dying burn victim one last chuckle, they'll make anyone else laugh.

Prescription Meds

Ah! Murtha. What would congress be like without his comedic interludes? Damian G. presents Murtha details Iraq strategy, tells kids to get the hell off his lawn. Posted at Conservathink. Damian keeps teh funny coming with Wealthiest 1% of homosexuals torn in midterm elections.

Buckley F. Williams presents NYT Reveals Timmy Durgin's Hiding Place. The New York Times may not survive this revelation, at The Nose On Your Face

Michael McCullough discovers Why some dogs attack their owners posted at Stingray: a blog for
salty Christians

Jacob the Syrian Hamster has learned New NSA Procedures for Handling Classified Documents (The Scratching Post)

Peace Moonbeam gives us a vision that will make you wish you were blind in The Liberal Art Of Nude Protest posted at The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles.

Next up, we have some more common variety analgesics and antihistamines. While these posts may not cure what ails ya, they'll bring some temporary relief to sore funny bones, and reduce the inflammation of your laugh muscles.

Over the Counter Medication

A little hot sauce goes a long way. Big Picture Guy presents Handle with Care. (Big Picture, Small Office)

miriam recounts a recent trip to New Jersey in Let New Jersey be New Jersey. New Jersey driving may be boring, but unlike in Pennsylvania, you can see the road at night. (miriam's ideas)

tommy at The Kag Report provides Katy Couric's interview with Dan Rather in Rather Couric

Bean presents Bean's Beats NSFW - Profanity posted at Bean. I have no idea who Tila Tequila is, but I do know now, she can not sing. Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls, My Space sucks.

In medicine, just like life, we must have yin to every yang, a heads to every tails, and an evil for every good. These meds don't cure or relieve anything in and of themselves, but they are certainly useful for the euthenasia crowd.

Dying with Dignity

Jerry Dante uses a bunch of profane similes in The Roast of The Howard Stern Show Roast, a podcast! NSFW (at Jerry Dante)

In an addendum to the lesson above, Mad Monk presents Official FIFA World Cup Spectator Guidelines. I'm all for making fun of soccer, but one of the keys is supposed to be that you don't actually like the sport. Posted at MadRussianMonk

Ali Eteraz presents Honey with Money posted at Unwilling Self-Negation

Lydia Lydia at Keep Your Eye on the Kids presents We Have A Bird Down

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow, and we have reached the end of your weekly treatment. Make sure you present your insurance card to the receptionist on your way out. This weekly flight through teh funny would not be possible without IMAO, or future hosts (hint hint).

Don't forget to get your entries in for next week here, and here! If we can get a host that is.

Please visit my partners in medicine, Dr. FIAR, Dr. Little Orange Fox, and Dr. Fmragtops.

I'd link the upcoming hosts, but I have no idea who they are. If you want to host an upcoming carnival of comedy, e-mail spacemonkey at spacemonkey at IMAO dot US

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The House Of Comedy

The Carnival Of Comedy is coming Thursday evening. It might be kinda late since I have to work Thursday, but it will be here. Be here, or be overrun with dirty smelly hippies intent on free love and pacifism!

Monday, June 26, 2006

House on USA

You may or may not know already, but Season 1 episodes of House can be seen on USA Network. I didn't realize this until last night (Sunday) at 11:00 ET, when the episode, Damned if You Do aired.

Upcoming episodes include:
The Socratic Method - Thursday June 29, 2006 at 11PM ET
Fidelity - Friday June 30, 2006 at 11PM ET
It seems to disappear again until Poison - Thursday July 6, at 11PM ET

Tomorrow night on Fox, Hunting at 8ET and The Mistake at 9ET

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Teh Funny Is At the Carnival of Comedy

The Zarqawi's Dead Edition of The Carnival of Comedy is up at conservative political humor. Go get teh funny, or Dr. House will browbeat you until you do!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Clinic Hours: Patient Impossible

Hello, I'm Dr. House how can I...Yikes!

Calm down! I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.

Okay. I'll tell you right up front that if it's psychiatric treatment you're looking for, you came to the wrong place.

Silence infidel! I have a fiend err friend with a problem. I hear you are the best diagnostician in the world. I need you to tell me what's wrong him.

Ummmm do I have a choice, or will I end up on an internet isalmofascist snuff film if I don't help you...No wait...I don't want to know. Where's the patient?

He's right here under this sheet...




He's freakin' DEAD!!! Look at him! What do you want me to with that?


Silence infidel! Do you know who you're talking to?

Yeah. I'm talking to a barbaric murderer who has brought a dead body into the clinic, and thinks he's in a cave in Afghanistan. Watch out there Habib, I might hit you with my cane. I'm still not sure I know what you want from me. I can't work with that!


I want you to say that the great satan's army tortured and killed him!

If you do not do as I command, I will have swarms of mujahedin descend upon your city and bomb....

Oh shut up Corky! You're not in a mud hut in the middle of Afghanistan any more! I'm not going to lie for you!

If you do not obey I will have my holy warriors feast on the entrails of your indfidel children!

Obey is a funny sounding word. Sounds like pig latin doesn't it? I don't have any children, and oh yeah, I'm not lying for you.

I will cut your head off.


Oh please.

Take your corpse and get the hell out of my hospital.

Come on Zack, let's go. I've got the newest Goats Gone Wild Video from al-Net Flix


Take that Jack Bauer!