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Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fake But True

My crack research staff, consisting of my trained surveillance dung-beetle, Algore, has obtained a script for one of Next season's episodes of House.

Before I get into the script, I would like to pre-condemn any sexist overtones and/or any other form of hate-speech that may arise from this post including but not limited to potty humor, poor satire, and poor taste. I imagine if Hugh Laurie saw this, he'd condemn it too. Enjoy the preview.

House - I got your page, what's...Jesus H. Christ! What in the world is that smell?

Cuddy - I'm not sure, but I have been smelling it all morning and it's only getting worse.

House - Man, that smells like shrimp that's been in the sun for half a day, but stronger.

Cuddy - I know. We don't seem to be able to figure out where it's coming from.

House - It's odd, I kept getting little sniffs of it on the way up here, but I didn't get a real strong whiff of it until I walked in here with you.

Cuddy - House! Damn it, now's not the time to make jokes!

House - You know me, my jokes are better than that. I'm being serious.

Cuddy - What do you propose we do?

House - Let me get my team in here. We need to run some tests.


House - Cameron, did you get all the body-fluid specimens?

Cameron - Yes, blood, urine, stool, even vaginal secretions.

House - Alright. Chase, I want you and Foreman to do a full battery of tests that nobody can pronounce but have official initials.

Foreman - Okay, I'll take the ones beginning with A-M.

Chase - You got it, and I'll take N-Z.

House - Cool. Get to work Super-Friends.


Chase - We've learned that there is apparently a strain of Chlamydia trachofrischus going around.

Cuddy - I haven't had sex in months, how can I have contracted this illness?

House - Not Chlamydia trachomatis, Chlamydia trachofrischus. A much less common relative of the common VD. This unique strain isn't sexually transmitted though. See, it's contracted when you spend large quantities of time surfing the internet, trolling conservative blogs, and getting smacked down by said conservative.

Cuddy - That doesn't make any sense.

House - It makes perfect sense. You see, when one liberal blogger gets smacked down for, ahem, speaking truthiness to power, as it were, the rest of the trolls begin frothing at the mouth. They claim false victories, and start patting each other on the ass. The liberal froth then ferments and the Chlamydia trachofrischus grows, and can spread to the genitalia.

Cuddy - I understand that, House. I mean, I don't spend much time on the internet, and since you've been off running tests, about 6,000 more cases, including Cameron, have come into the ER. Oh my G-d! It must have mutated and become airborne!

House - It's possible, what with the "Great Blogosphere Brawl" and all. All that liberal truthiness could have caused the bacteria to mutate. However, that's not important. We have to cure these people. This must be the worst case of acute not-so-freshness to ever hit the US!

Cuddy - Alright, tell me what you need.

House - Get Glenn Greenwald on the phone.

This has been a coproduction of Radioactive Liberty who has brought you such insane bloggy goodness as Rope, Tree, People, The War For Oil and What About The Children, along with Fmragtops Spews who has made several attempts at humor, but failed miserably.


FIAR said...

This must be the worst case of acute not-so-freshness to ever hit the US!

I hope it doesn't creep into my neck of the woods. *Cough* hey, do you smell something?

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Well done, sir!

c.a. Marks said...

LOLOL Funny stuff. I love House, he's so damned sexy!