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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Clinic Hours: The Hippy

drhouse

I'm Dr. House, what seems to be the trouble...aside from the fact that you're a loser?

Hippy

Like, what's with the hostility, man?

drhouse

Oh sure. You come in here looking and smelling like you haven't taken a bath since 1963, and you're the victim. Why don't we just pretend you're a human being. You tell me what's wrong, and I'll fix it.

Hippy

Why are you repressing my individuality man?

drhouse

Oh, I see. Because you've chosen to grow your hair long, and you wear bellbottoms, and you're wearing a tie dye shirt, that makes you an individual. And because I am repulsed by the stench of patchouli and marijuana, that makes me the repressive tool of the capitalist agenda. Why don't you grow up, and tell me what's wrong with you?

Hippy

All this hostility is effecting my aura. Is there, like, a less hostile doctor I can see, man?

drhouse

If there were, I wouldn't be here talking to you, Cousin It. Okay, if you're not going to tell me what's wrong, we'll play twenty questions. I love games. Are you experiencing vomiting or nausea?

Hippy

Yeah, how'd you...

drhouse

Lucky guess, Haggar. Are you dizzy? Hot, but not sweating?

Hippy

Whoa, that's, like, so trippy. It's like you're reading my mind. How'd you do that?

drhouse

Jim Morrison told me. Listen butterfly, or moonbeam, or fornicates with wolves, whatever your name is, I'll have someone come in and give you IV fluids. I suggest the next time you decide to go sit out in the sun, singing Kumbaya, doing acid, and getting it on with other aging hippies, I suggest you dress accordingly, and drink fluids other than Jose Quervo. Take a bath, cut your hair and get a job. Be original.

9 comments:

Trench said...

Too funny.

SeanS said...

LOL! Hey Doc, what would you prescribe for a dirty hippie that has a spike driven through his abdomen?

FIAR said...

Gross! I can smell the dirty Hippy from here.

Dr. House said...

I would treat a hippy with a spike through the abdomen by taking a wait and see approach.

Ssssteve said...

smiting hippies? why wasn't I notified!!!!

Steve the Pirate said...

Yay hippie smiting!

Neo-andertal said...

The thing that gets me is these hippies think they are an alternative subculture. Alternative to what? The third world has hundreds of millions like them. They live in off the worlds dumps trying to eek out a meager living. Of course civilized people don’t want societies losers hanging around in dumps and making a nuisance out of themselves. We give them a little money so they can seek shelter, clean up, feed themselves, and maybe make a go out of life. Alternative lifestyle, my ass. Anybody wonder why these idiots started showing up right after the modern welfare system started up in the Sixties. Before that, people couldn’t afford to just throw away their lives. Now I’m not talking about taking the support system away from those that can’t, and we all know the world is full of legitimate problems.

If you’re a young adult or college bound and you are considering throwing yourself into this wonderful alternate lifestyle, think again. It’s all a con!

OK, That wasn’t the least bit funny. I was shooting for sarcasm and it just came out straight up.

Neo said...

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Hmm...
The comment section is doing weird stuff with punctuation.

fmragtops said...

Though it wasn't funny, it was oh so true.